Look at me, all blogging two days in a row!
I decided it was time for a State of the Diva post. Things have changed so dramatically in the last six months that I don’t even know exactly how I got here. A year ago, I was quite literally sitting in the basement, moaning about my aches and pains, and waiting for…I’m not exactly sure what. To die? For my life to start? For someone to make things magically better? For a new pill? I don’t know. But it was no way to live. I had more value that that. I just didn’t know how to get at it and let it shine.
Today? I’m so much better I can’t even explain it. I’m doing stuff. I have hobbies. I’m happy. Really, truly happy. I still have lots of challenges and I always live in fear that the bottom will drop out and depression will consume me again. But for now? I’m grabbing life by the nuts and enjoying the hell out of it. BANZAI!!
How the heck did I get here? I wish I could tell you but it’s just not that simple. There were medication and diet changes, challenges that pushed me to the limit and taught me that I’m far from helpless, new routines, and a slew of other things. I can’t really point to one single thing that put me where I am right now.
However, there are two things that do stand out as more significant than the rest.
The first is simply that I started getting up and staying up at a reasonable hour of the morning instead of sleeping all day. I didn’t even adjust my bedtime first. I just got up one morning and decided not to go back to bed. The first couple of weeks were rough. I sat around in my PJs a lot. I played computer games. I wrote. I ranted on the Internet quite a bit. But I stayed up. Eventually, I got tired. Staying up until 1:00am or later just isn’t sustainable when you’re getting up at 7:30. So quite naturally, I started going to bed earlier.
And lo, I discovered that life happens during the day. That’s when stuff is open. That’s when people are around. That’s when you can get business done. That’s when the sun shines and the farmers’ market is open and people are active and busy. It’s infectious, I tell you.
So getting up early was key. And so was the love and concern of one good friend. You know, sometimes I think that’s all you need in this life. One good friend. Don’t get me wrong, I have lots of friends and I value them all. But sometimes you need that one person who loves you too much to let you wallow in self-pity. You need that one friend who is incredibly annoying in the moment, but who tells you truths about yourself that eventually, you accept. You need that one friend who sticks with you and refuses to buy into the bullshit excuses you make for why you can’t live the life you want;. You need that one friend who just cares too much to enable your destructive habits. You need that one friend who tells you not what you want to hear, but what you need to hear.
That friend came into my life in January, although he’d been around for years (yes, he’s a he…there’s a whole separate post to be written about the nature of cross-gender friendship), and it’s hard to deny that his presence and support sparked a lot of the changes that have been happening. I’m not going to give him all the credit, though. If I hadn’t been ready to make some major changes nothing he said or did would have budged me out of that basement and into the light. But when I was ready, he was there with all the love, encouragement, and support that I needed.
I might have found this path without him, but it would have been infinitely harder. And it’s been rocky at times. I am not an easy person to be friends with and I can be a real pain in the ass. So believe me when I tell you that I am very lucky and grateful that he’s still here, walking right beside me because this journey is far from over.